Painful
by Plume de Dragon
Summary: Being the eldest of the family can give a burden hard to handle. Vlad knows it very well as he looks back and writes down how everything went out of his control... R&R!


Hello everyone! This story is about the relationship between my rogue Hawke and his siblings. I wanted to show his thoughts and regrets about them. He had a very strong bond with Bethany, and a difficult relationship with Carver.

Reviews are ALWAYS welcome! :)

Disclaimer: Dragon Age 2 belongs to Bioware, I do not own anything.

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><p><em>More than once have I heard that I tend to attract trouble. It makes me smile. How is that surprising? Champion of Kirkwall... With such a title, and tales that your best dwarf friend keeps on spreading around, people tend to look at you like you've been sent by the Maker... or like someone they have to get rid of. And fast.<br>But your true friends still look at you as a normal person. Your friends... and your family._

_Whenever I think of my family, I don't feel very well. I'm not close to my uncle Gamlen, and I barely know my cousin Charade... but I'll still help them if they ever need help. It doesn't matter what people can say... family is sacred._

_When Varric and I decided to find Bartrand in Hightown, I asked Anders to come along. I knew that my friend was seeking revenge, but that he still cared as well. And he wanted answers. Fortunately, when Anders temporarily healed his older brother... he got some of his senses back, and expressed horror and regret over his madness._  
><em>"I'm here." Varric had said. He was ready to help him.<em>  
><em>When Fenris and I ended Danarius's life once and for all, I didn't let him kill Varania. Despite her betrayal, she was still his sister. I knew he'd have regretted it. Varric agreed with me, as himself knew that killing his brother would have been a serious mistake and something that would have kept on haunting him.<em>

_I'm pleased that they both listened to me. That I managed to help them. And yet... I failed at helping my own siblings._

_Time can't heal all wounds. I still remember the moment I saw the templars taking Bethany away to the Circle. I remember being ready to fight to the death to protect her. Being stopped by her before I made this foolish mistake. Watching as she followed them. Holding Mother as she cried... and hiding from prying eyes to let my own tears out, crying for the loss of my sister, for seeing my dream of offering her a good life totally shattered._  
><em>More than once did Varric tell me not to blame myself. But guilt is something very hard to get rid off. Being the eldest gives you responsibilities, whether you like it or not. I never minded. I was just scared that I'd fail. And I did.<em>

_I still remember the day Father told me I was going to be a big brother. Just the news of knowing that I wouldn't be an only child anymore made me happy. I've seen children in the different villages we lived in being jealous of their brothers and sisters. Yet, I envied them. Loneliness is hard to handle, especially if you're a child forced to flee the templars with your parents. You simply have no time to make friends._

_In each village and town we settled in, I used to spend most of my time at the Chantry, listening to_

_the Sisters telling us stories, singing songs about the Maker and Andrastre... teaching us the Chant of Light... I used to pray a lot for a normal life. For a home where I could have a normal life with my family.  
>The day of their birth, I stayed for hours in my parents' room just to watch the twins. Even today, I smile whenever I think about it. The fascination of a child for his newborn siblings... but I think Bethany was the one who fascinated me the most. Carver spent most of the day sleeping, while she kept on looking at me... and catching my finger whenever I was waving my hand in front of her.<em>

_"She likes you, Vlad." Mother had said. "Be a good brother to her."_

_And I worked hard to be one. I wanted nothing more than taking care of her. Not because Mother told me to, but simply because I wanted to. And she enjoyed being with me. Our relationship was strong._  
><em>I remember the day we found out that Bethany had inherited our Father's magic. She was only four. I was at the Chantry with other children, and Mother came to bring me home at noon. When we arrived, Bethany was waiting for us. She came running, a smile on her face, holding a dead leaf. She held it with two fingers and a few second later, it took fire and burned into ashes. I was in awe and clapped my hands.<em>

_However, Mother wasn't happy and Bethany didn't know why back then. That was when I realized that if my sister was a mage, it meant that she could be in trouble. Our parents had a long talk about it, while Bethany, Carver and I stayed in my room. My brother didn't look happy and Bethany was confused and closed to tears, wondering why our parents didn't look please that she could do magic. She was so young, just a little innocent girl. Even though I knew the reason, I didn't really know how to say it. So I just held her, and waited._  
><em>Later, our father came over. He explained that Bethany needed to learn to use and hide her power, that he'd teach her how to. I remembered how worried I was, scared that the templars would come and take not only my father, but also my sister. Father must have seen this, as he took me aside, telling me not to worry too much.<em>  
><em>I remember his words clearly.<em>

_"Things will be fine, my son. With a brother like you, Bethany has nothing to worry about."_

_Father... I know he'd said that to calm me down. But I was just a little boy, and what he told me pleased me and made me want to train to protect my family. I was a naive young boy, with childish dreams of adventures and becoming some kind of hero. Like many children. At that time, I didn't care that protecting my sister wouldn't be easy._  
><em>Bethany trained hard with Father. And each time she succeeded in doing something right, she wanted to show me and Carver. My brother didn't care much, but I did.<em>  
><em>One day, I said that when we'd be older, we'd go on adventures together. That she'd be a powerful mage, and I'd be her knight.<em>

_"I'll be a princess and you'll be my brother knight!"_  
><em>"Yes! At your service my little princess!"<em>

_Little Princess... it sounds so corny... and yet I liked it and used to tease her with it. That was my nickname for her. It stayed as time went by. I was proud of it and we'd laugh a lot about it, even when I protected her from the other children who were teasing her because she used to be a small and kind of scrawny little girl... but one day, something happened. The incident._  
><em>It happened a few weeks before my fourteen's birthday. Carver and I saw a few men laughing and picking on her, calling her an ugly kid. It made me angry and, as usual, I decided to defend her, telling them to go away before I made them biting the dust. Three full grown men against me... It<em>

_was very foolish, but at that time I didn't care, I wasn't even scared. All that matters was that I had to protect her. I remembered how I got thrown on the ground, one of them punching me on the stomach and the face while the other two were holding me down. And things went bad. When I started spiting blood, Bethany yelled._

_"BIG BROTHER!" That was the first time I heard her yelling so loudly... and I felt both men letting me go, screaming in pain. When I opened my eyes, the men who were holding me down had their pants on fire. They yelled in pain, rolling on the ground to stop the fire from burning them, while the third man ran off... People were staring and pointing at us. Bethany looked terrified. She used her magic by accident to save me. But that also meant that she publicly revealed her power._  
><em>The memory of this incident lingered because we were forced to leave again... and to go to Lothering.<em>  
><em>Bethany was upset over what had happened. I got beaten, and we were leaving our home again. I tried to calm her down, but Carver was angry that we had to move again because of what happened and blamed us both. I wanted to slap him... and I did. I slapped him hard enough for him to fall backward. And I also called him a coward.<em>  
><em>That was a very stupid thing to do. I didn't make things any better. I was angry at him and... so stupid too. I remember the lecture I got from my parents for what I've done to my younger brother.<em>  
><em>I did realize just what I have done to him, and felt very guilty. Weeks went by before Carver finally forgave me... But I never forgot the incident, and he certainly didn't either. Things never got any better after that.<em>  
><em>I'm the one to blame for having messed up everything.<em>

_Carver... he never understood that I didn't love him any less than Bethany. But then again, I did spend more time with her than with him, playing, protecting, encouraging her with her magic... Carver preferred to be on his own. He was trying to do everything better, pushing himself hard._  
><em>Even as a child, he saw me as someone to beat at his own game. There was no admiration. He wanted to show that he could take care of himself, that he didn't need me to protect him.<em>

_He wanted to be someone. I was his older brother, but also someone he wanted to be better than. When I was training, he said he wanted to do the same and had often challenged me on friendly fights... that he ended up loosing every single time. I tried to show him that using strength in a fight couldn't necessary give advantage on an enemy, but it was pointless. We simply didn't have the same fighting style._  
><em>To him, we didn't have much in common. I was the eldest, and in the end, he saw me as the man to whom he was only a shadow. When our father died, he told me at the funeral ceremony that as the eldest, the welfare of our family was in my hands.<em>

_"In OUR hands, Carver." I told him "You and I will take care of Mother and Bethany."_  
><em>"But there is no doubt that you can do it without me. I'm not you, brother."<em>

_He was so stubborn, refusing to listen or see himself as he really was: a strong man who cared for his family above anything else. Just like me._

_We were both men with their own strength, hopes and dreams, Carver... And you were stronger than you think. I hope you did know that, or at least that you realized it after joining the Maker._  
><em>I selfishly hope that you forgave me from having failed you... and Bethany.<em>

_Our sister... Over the years, Bethany has grown up to become a wonderful woman, still as beautiful as a princess. But she's not here._  
><em>The Gallows... what an awful place. Each time I go there, I hope to see her. Alas, it still didn't happen. The templars very rarely let people go see their relatives. Most families have to wait for<em>

_months or even years for their request to be accepted... if it ever does.  
>A few months after I went back from the Deep Roads, Mother and I asked to visit Bethany together. We waited for three years, and when the templars finally answered, they said they'd accept only one person. So, I let Mother go see her. At least, Bethany wrote me a letter. I was pleased to learn that she was fine, but still disappointed that I wasn't able to see her.<br>She should have been here, in this mansion, living a noble life, away from that tower._

_More than once did Anders try using my sister's situation to convince me to join his fight to free the mages. He stopped when he finally understood that it wasn't working... especially that day, when he made a big mistake. I remember it clearly._  
><em>It happened three years ago, after what happened with the templar called Alrik. I remember how Anders almost killed that young mage because of his so-called friendly spirit. It traumatized him and worried him that it could hurt me, but I still wanted to help him to find a way to fight it.<em>  
><em>But this event didn't convince him to abandon his fight to free all the mages. One day, I came to visit him, and he was actually writing down arguments for me to read. And as usual, though I understood his point, I was also tired of him trying to change my mind again. It made him angry. He couldn't understand that I refused to take sides, and assumed that I didn't want to support the mages, despite the fact that Bethany was one of them.<em>  
><em>And he said those words.<em>

_"You let your own sister be dragged off to the Circle, even after you saw what they did to Karl!"_

_At that moment, I thought that Anders just accused me of having done nothing to protect her, that I didn't care if she was made Tranquil. Right after he said that, he was on the floor, looking shocked and bleeding from the bottom lip, the mark of my fist fresh on his face. I didn't realize that I just punched him. But at that moment, I didn't care. At all._

_"You weren't there!" I told him. "I tried to fight them! Bethany was the one who stopped me from doing something that reckless! But I'd have DIED for my sister! Don't you dare saying things that you've no idea about, Anders!"_

_Sebastian and Varric were waiting outside the clinic. They both rushed in when they heard me shouting. Sebastian tried to calm me down, while Varric helped Anders up. I know I shouldn't have hit him. I remember the look on his face. Regret and pain... as if he finally realized what he had just said. But at that moment, I didn't care. I was simply tired and upset._  
><em>I left for home after this and went back to the clinic the next day. Anders had healed his wound and asked me for forgiveness, saying that he hadn't been thinking straight and knew that I cared for my sister. And, of course, I accepted his apology. I didn't see the point of staying angry with him. And I said I was sorry for hitting him.<em>  
><em>I know Bethany would scowl me for having done this to him. I'm not an aggressive man. But she has always been more diplomatic than I ever was. We'd calm and comfort each other in our moments of doubt, support each other whenever one needed it...<em>  
><em>I think this is something I never had with my brother.<em>

_Writing down all of this is still painful. I know we cannot go back in the past. None of us ever will. And yet, if I could, I'd go and tell my siblings how much I care for them. That I love them._  
><em>Today is their 25th birthday. Another birthday without laugh nor smile. As usual, I'll go to the Chantry to pray for Carver, who's resting in peace with Mother and Father. To pray for Bethany, who's locked away with all the other mages.<em>

_Happy birthday._

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><p>Vlad put down the quill and read what he had written. Once... twice... then a third time. Finally, he sighed and teared the pages out of his journal.<p>

"Carver, Bethany... forgive me." he whispered to himself as he made a ball of paper with the torn pages and threw it in the fireplace. It fell softly on the burning logs and took fire, taking away Vlad's words. Thoughts and regrets disappearing slowly.  
>The rogue watched silently, before leaving his bedroom. Some memories just couldn't be shared.<p>

**_THE END_**


End file.
